If you’re going to write a book about likeability, you need to tell people how they can get better at it. And in his book The Likeability Factor, author Tim Sanders does just that. After defining likeability and making a case for its importance, he offers practical tips and exercises for improving your likeability (aka your “L-Factor”).
So, why does this matter for fundraisers?
Well, when you have the choice, who’s calls or texts do you tend to return faster? Who do you seek out at cocktail parties? Whose lunch invitations are you excited to get?
The answer is simple: people you LIKE.
Tim points to research showing just how powerful a force likeability is. Likeable people tend to outperform their peers, they receive more recognition, they bring out the best in others, they’re more resilient, and they even enjoy better health on average.
Now, I don’t want to suggest that likability is some kind of silver bullet. I’ve worked with extremely likeable major gifts officers who couldn’t close gifts. Likeability will never replace fundamentals such as good process, self-discipline, and asking. But it’s definitely a plus-factor for MGOs who have already mastered the basics.
Sanders breaks likeability down into four component parts: Friendliness, Relevance, Empathy, and Realness. And he shows how these pieces build upon one another. For example, if you’re relevant but not friendly, it doesn’t really matter—people still won’t like you. You have to start with a foundation of friendliness and then build upward. Realness is the capstone.
Sanders then spends the better portion of the book breaking down the four components further and providing practical ideas and exercises that will help you grow in each area. Some of the exercises are great, others feel like they’d be a little awkward, but probably would lead to some personal growth. And others are forgettable.
Nonetheless, here’s my standard recommendation: just buy the book.
There are no perfect books out there. Gold certainly doesn’t drip off of every page of The Likability Factor. But for only about $15, you can get some quality thinking and research on a topic that might make a big difference to your life and relationships. In fact, if you get one good idea, it’s more than worth the cost of entry.
For Fearless Fundraising’s readers, I’m going to pull out the ideas and exercises from The Likability Factor that I think are most relevant to our work as fundraisers. Since the book outlines four key components of likability—again, they are Friendliness, Relevance, Empathy, and Realness—I’ll break my summary up into four posts.
Friendliness is up first.
One final note: These exercises aren’t just about ‘making a good first impression’ or becoming a pick-up artist. They’re about discovering your most friendly, likeable self, accessing that version consistently, and building from there. Like any worthwhile endeavor, this requires effort. But remember, just like physical exercise, consistent effort over time will lead to remarkable results.
Boosting Your Friendliness
Find Your Most Likeable Self
In a journal, or just on a piece of paper, write down the last compliment you received. What was it? How did it make you feel? How often do you receive this compliment? Next, think back over the last year or so and recall the compliment you most enjoyed receiving? What was it? Why did it make you feel so good to receive this compliment?
Next, pick 2-3 of your “biggest fans.” They could be friends, family members, neighbors, colleagues, or anyone who thinks positively about you? What would they say your best qualities are if they were asked?
This is your baseline. Reread this journal entry every week to remind yourself that you are already plenty likeable.
Build a Friendly Mindset
Sometimes boosting your friendliness just involves getting out of your own head enough to focus on other people. The following practices will help you increase your others-orientation.
We’re naturally friendly to people we like. And since we tend to like ourselves, we also tend to like people who are like us. As you review and remember your likeable traits from the previous exercise, be on the lookout for these same traits in other people. Make a mental note when you realize you share a likeable trait with someone.
Next, pick a role model. Write down what you like about that person. Similar to the task above, see if you can identify your role model’s likeable traits in other people.
Here are some other practical ways you can change your default mindset toward others:
First, imagine that everyone you interact with has the solution to today’s problem.
Whatever challenge you’re facing, the resources, answers, and expertise you need are held by other people—many of whom are already in your orbit. Likewise, you have something valuable to offer them. Are you open to the idea that others might be able to help you, and you them, in unexpected ways? Embrace this mindset in your interactions, and it will transform the way you approach and connect with others.
Another good practice is to cast yourself in the role of “greeter for the day.”
Think about a great hospitality experience you’ve had, whether at a store, restaurant, or hotel. Think about the person or the people who made you feel welcome in that space. Now adopt that mindset in your interactions with other people. While you may not literally welcome them to a specific location, bring the posture and attitude of a greeter to these interactions. Your goal is to make people feel welcome and appreciated. You’re glad they’re there. And you’re open and available to them.
Communicate Friendliness
Tim calls friendliness “a communication event.” By that, he means someone has to be on the receiving end of your friendliness for it to matter.
On the flip side, it doesn’t matter how friendly you are if no one perceives you as friendly. And, going one step further, nobody can perceive you as friendly unless you communicate friendliness.
So, first and foremost, remember that most (~55%) interpersonal communication is visual. Be mindful of making eye contact when you communicate. Friendly, expressive eyes will do more for your non-verbal communication than anything else. Widening your eyes signals interest. Smiling is, of course, important too. And be wary of your body language. Generally speaking, a head up, open posture (limit hunching down, arm crossing) with minimal fidgeting is best.
Tone of voice is also important to communicating friendliness, accounting for ~38% of like/dislike cues. This is a hard one to manage because a forced or fake tone of voice is easy to spot, and it makes people uncomfortable. Nonetheless, self-awareness is essential. A warm and confident tone of voice is the goal. Variety is good too. In the book, Sanders offers some practical tips in the book that can help you become more aware of your tone. For fundraisers looking to optimize their non-verbal communication and tone of voice, I always recommend role playing with colleagues and recording it on video. It can be painful to watch yourself on video, but I promise that you will learn a lot!
Since friendliness forms the foundation of your likeability, it’s well worth the time and effort to consider how you can access and then optimize your most friendly self.
For fundraisers, cultivating likeability is more than just a soft skill; it’s a strategic advantage. Likeable people naturally draw others to them, making it easier to build and maintain the trust and connections essential for success in major gifts.
Remember, however, likeability is not a substitute for the fundamental skills of good process, self-discipline, and effective asking. Instead, it serves as a powerful complement, enhancing the impact of these core competencies.
As we delve into Sanders’ remaining components of likeability in upcoming posts, remember that developing your L-Factor is a journey. It requires self-reflection and consistent effort. So, as you work on becoming your most likeable self, keep an open mind, embrace the process, and get ready to enjoy the positive changes it will bring to your life and your fundraising work.
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